Flaws
Observation comes natural to us. From childhood to death, we continue to observe and learn from those around us, letting it shape how we act, live, and talk. It even has a big impact on our overall beliefs in life. At times, it is much easier to see flaws in others before we see them in ourselves.
I went for a run recently, and I wanted to time myself. I used to wear a watch to track my pace and distance, but I have not worn it in years, as I just go for runs now without really keeping track of the numbers involved. Itās probably not the most efficient way of training Iām sure, but Iām okay with it and I enjoy it more this way.
Anyways I decided I wanted to time this run to see how I compared to myself years ago. I ended up being slightly slower than I was a few years ago actually. For a moment, and I didnāt speak this out loud but the thought was there, I blamed the watch. I blamed the pacing of the watch. My initial thoughts were to say that it was old and probably a tad slow.
There is a thing called actor-observer bias. Basically, it is when we make excuses, only for ourselves, in certain scenarios.
They were rude to me; they are simply a rude person. I was rude to them; I was just tired and hungry.
I am speeding in the car; I cannot be late for this very important meeting and I NEVER speed. They are speeding in the car; they are reckless.
Even worse though, is when we discredit someoneās success using the same bias.
Of course they are in shape! They have all the money in the world to pay for personal trainers and dietitians, or they must simply have more time to themselves.
Why do we do it? Deep down we know bringing others down does not elevate our character in any way. We do it to protect ourselves. To protect our egos. We do it because we are embarrassed. We do it because sometimes deflecting or hiding from our flaws, is better than dealing with them head on.
There are movements saying to love yourself, no matter what. āDonāt change for anyoneā they will say. They say that people should accept you only for who you are at that moment, and if they donāt accept you, then ditch them. These are by no means the majority, (at least I donāt think so), but they exist.
Self-love is important, but caring for yourself is the truest form of self-love. Accepting who you are and choosing to stay that person forever is not the same thing. Those choosing to ignore their faults are not properly taking care of themselves, therefore not making self-love a priority.
With all the noise and distraction of todayās world it has become very difficult to even understand what you are supposed to focus on in the first place. Which brings us back to focusing too much on others. Except now itās not just the people around us telling us how to live. People all over the world are telling us how to live, through addiction engineered videos, books, and through socials. These people donāt really care about your character. They donāt really care about making you a better person. If you are only looking for external sources of self-improvement, can you really find true improvement in yourself?
Self-reflection is one of our greatest tools. It really helps us get down and understand the why in these scenarios. Why did you snap at that person? Why did that one comment upset you so much?
One core part of therapy is self-reflection. Digging down to the why of our actions. Turns out a lot of the why comes from childhood trauma, which we are finding out now. Self-reflection is important, whether through journaling or meditation, or through other therapeutic means.
Two basketball players, are rewatching videos and analyzing their games. One of them is watching their teammates, pointing out each one of their flaws. The other player may watch everyone, but they are only taking note of their own flaws. Who will improve faster as a player? The one learning from their own mistakes.
Yes, we can learn from watching others fail, but if we never look at ourselves to realize the actual mistakes we are making, how can we get better. Another analogy is that video a lot of us watched in school where you had to count the number of times the ball was passed between people, and because you are looking so intently at the passes, a man in a gorilla costume walks through the crowd and a lot of people completely miss it.
One of these deals with an optical processing capacity, sure, but the analogy still stands. If we are only looking for something specific, we will see more of that thing. If we only look at others, we may not see ourselves.
So how do we best see the flaws in ourselves? One way I have found is journaling. You can analyze trends and triggers in your entries. You can intentionally focus on things you did well, and things you did not do well, to learn from both scenarios. In this, I have found it important not to focus solely on positives and negatives of the day, but rather on the overall lessons.
Additionally, have people around you that will be honest with you. If you surround yourself with people who will only tell you how great you are, never listing your flaws, you can quickly gain a very overinflated ego. I say surround yourself, but it only needs to be 1 or 2 people. A spouse, sibling, parent, or friend.
It also doesnāt have to be this giant life change. You donāt have to spend 30 minutes a day meditating, and another 30 journaling.
Maybe you simply benefit just from being mindful of these things throughout your day.